Honest resume

Have you ever thought of how would a resume look like if we wrote there everything we think indeed...

Here is an example:
1. Why did you choose our company?
- You are an idiot, aren`t you? I sent tons of resumes into different places. The one who will answer the first wins.
2. Why should we choose you?
- Do you need workers or not? Well here I am. Employee. I should be choosen already because I'm obviously smarter than all those who have written to these questions a standard and obvious stuff. And I`m smarter than you, by the way, because I never would have asked such stupid questions.
3. What salary would you like to receive?
- $ 2.5 million per year. This is how much receives the president of the United States. What`s this for question? Of course, I want to receive as much as you can pay me.But you won`t pay anyway,though. Then there is nothing to show off. Anyway, the choice for me: you say the price, I say - deal or not.
4. Why have you left your previous job?
- What the difference for you why I left? You won`t change your company specially for me anyway. What will give you my answer? First of all, I`ll lie. Secondly, if the answer will be honest,like a small salary or lack of career advancement, or hopelessness, or didn`t make friends, or the dog of the boss didn`t like me. So what? You won`t know if I get well together with your boss, staff, and the dog. And won`t know until you try.
5. How do you see yourself in 5/10/20 years (in our company)?
- If I`m that much useless in order to stay in your company for 5 years, I`m not worth working at all,then. 
6. What were your achievements at the previous job?
-I worked fine and coped well with my responsibilities. That is - an achievement! If your employees are working well only occasionally, I will disappoint you: with the right leadership and the good work there shouldn`t be any achievemnets! We have to work and not to suffer with some bullshit and achieve up!
7. How would you like to see your boss?
- I wouldn`t want to see him. This is the first thing I wanted to say. And the second one-I don`t care of how he looks like. Seriously, there is no difference. The main thing is that he is that boss, who can properly and clearly articulate the problem. And the rest...Even if he will be riding around the office in red boxers on a white giant hamster,I don`t care!Well,about the giant hamster I will,but not about how my boss looks like.
8. What are your advantages?
- Oh! This is another "smart" question, right? I know how to play the psaltery and spitting on 10-15 meters length. If you need my qualifications, then it`s written in my resume already.
9. What are your weaknesses?
- Like I`m going to tell you. Aha,right!I have one lack - I`m a good tenor singing.  Neighbors always complain,but I was told at the Conservatory I`m a talent. Here's another weakness: when I eat soup with a spoon I scoop to myself, and not from myself,as it should be by the rules of etiquette.
Anyway, return this piece of paper with these questions,which you have stollen from a child and do not hurt him anymore. If you do not know what you need, then take me to work,cause we have surprisingly much in common: I do not have a clue what you want as well!