The meaning of lots of women`s phrases

Yes = No 
No = Yes 
Maybe = No 
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry 
We need = I want 
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now 
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later 
We need to talk = I need to complain 
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! 
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot 
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs 
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house 
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper 
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep 
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive 
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate 
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on  TV 
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me 
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]